Violets for Mabel
What has been the weirdest or most difficult part of this time for you and your family?: We lost our third daughter, Mabel, just before the COVID-19 outbreak. She was stillborn on February 4th. A few weeks later, the whole world shut down from the pandemic. It feels like everything in my personal life, and the world around me, fell out from under me all at once.
I am a labor and delivery nurse, and gave birth to all of our daughters at my work. The last time I was at work, I lost my baby. Now I don't know what to do. Right now I can't fathom caring for others as they birth their babies while I'm in the throws of grieving my own. At the same time, I feel deeply conflicted about being a nurse and not working during a pandemic. It goes against my deepest instincts to help. I miss my community of co-workers and I miss being part of our team. I miss helping.
What is your silver lining? What have you been enjoying about these days at home?: My four year old and 18 month old are my silver lining. Their sunshine pierces the darkness I feel in losing Mabel. My husband too. Being home cancels out so much noise and aids us in focusing inward on our family of four. I am enjoying being able to spend more time with them than I ever have before. I'm working on being present. My favorite moments are when we're all together in our yard playing and readying our garden for Spring.
How has this time changed you? What has surprised you the most? It has helped me see the little things again that my eyes so often glance over. I feel more present and more content with what we have right here, right now.
How do you expect this to change your life or society moving forward?: I think the ripple effects of the pandemic are infinite. I feel the same way about the loss of our daughter. I'm totally overwhelmed by navigating how we'll move forward. But I'm starting to feel more confident in the belief that we will. My roots in Collingswood have deepened and strengthened during this time and I think I will continue to reap the benefits of that growth every day, just as I am now. I hope we are kinder to one another as a society, and more in tune with the reality that our happiness, health and well-being are inextricably linked to one another. I hope we invest more in people, in the environment, and in fighting for social justice. I hope we make wiser choices and that we become more engaged, more politically active, and that we focus our attention and efforts on marginalized individuals and communities.
Why is this time meaningful for you to document?: I think it will help me focus on all that we have instead of what we have lost. I want my older daughters to have visual representation of our family- exactly how we are in this moment- during this historic time. In having these photos to look back on as adults, I hope they can see the profound love we feel for them, even in our darkest hour.
What do you love most about Collingswood?: Our community. I have felt so supported and cared for and seen and loved by our friends and neighbors as we struggle to adjust to our new reality- both with regard to losing Mabel and to life under quarantine as well.
What are you most looking forward to?: Celebrating my husband's graduation from Columbia with his phd *in person* with our family and friends! I planned a party for him at Double Nickel for June 13th and while it will have to be rescheduled, it will be just as nice whatever day we end up having it. And Roberts Pool! I am really, really looking forward to getting back to the pool.
